Love is War
by Mama Avio
Summary: she was certain nobody knew of how she always cried for him, screamed for him, curled up in the cold, making her throat raw... why did he not see how much she loved him? songfic for Love is War by Hatsune Miku, onesided RusBela. ihadtodoit.


**Disclaimer: unfortunately, I don't own either Hetalia or Love is War. Or vocaloid (throwin' that out there just in case. :'D).**

* * *

**Love is War**

**Avio Favalon**

**A Hetalia songfic~**

* * *

**Song: Love is War [ryo: Hatsune Miku]**

**English: Avio Favalon**

**Based on numerous translations**

* * *

_There's no where for this to go anymore_

_The __**burning**__ of this love inside— __**AHH!**_

She was screaming.

Natalia was screaming so loudly, so purely, it tore at her throat, making it sore and searing with pain. This scream that ripped through her was followed by a sob, one that dripped with her heartbrokenness. She clutched at the railing, curling up as she moved down, tears streaming down her cheeks.

She could feel the burning in her heart, despite the horrid snow and wind that whipped at her clothes, pulling at her platinum tresses, and by some miracle leaving the ribbon she'd tied so neatly earlier.

It hurt so fucking much.

_The clouds are grey, monochrome is all around me_

_The sun's starting to hide,_

_Dusk is growing darker and it's changing colour— __**aa**_

_The world is __**blurred **__before my eyes_

It grew colder and colder as the sun was being hidden behind thick snow clouds, her skin like ice but her heart burning as hot as the fires in hell. She gave a choking laugh; she knew that was where she was going to end up. She was a bad person, a horrible monster who had molded and twisted, changing however she had felt necessary.

Fuck, but wasn't it cold? It didn't _matter _that her _heart_ was like flames, her body was freezing. But then, she'd never really minded had she? Wasn't that the whole point? She was able to withstand the cold, _that was the whole, entire, fucking point! _it was all for him!

She would stand the harshest winters for him! She would walk through the dark atmosphere blindly just to reach him! It didn't matter that the world was shades of grey and black, _he was all that mattered._

So it didn't matter that, along with the disgusting atmosphere, her vision was further obscured with tears, her throat was in pain

(but she still wanted to scream more screaming deafen herself mute herself let it out pour out her soul maybe if she screams enough she will stop loving him stop hurting like this),

her heart was hell, her skin was ice, it didn't matter.

_But even so, will I still love you, __**no matter what**__?_

_I understand it all, but what should I do?_

_**What **__can I-? __**How **__can I-?_

_What a __**fool**__… I am!_

Though she was crouching, head against the railing she was gripping, her body in a plethora of different pains, all of these painful sensations, this fucking _love_ that she'd held all her life, she could do nothing about it. She could not hate him. The very thought of hating him made her laugh, it was such an impossible thought.

She was stupid, she knew it. She'd known it for years. Even during the Soviet years

(when he would go mad when he would hurt when even she was not safe from him she still loved him with every blow every bit of abuse even with the starving and everything else that was done to her she didn't care)

she continued loving him with all of her heart. She was stupid and she hated herself for it but she couldn't stop the love she held. She wanted him so badly, so badly, she was willing on doing anything - _anything_ - for him.

_Let's __**go**__! This is __**war**__!_

_Just seeing you so happy with someone who isn't __**me**__-!_

_Burning ardent __**love **__– that is my __**sin**__!_

_I __**swear **__to you that I will show you how I __**feel**__!_

She screamed again, rage laced through each decibel, frustration bursting through her lips, making her body tremble. Did he think this was a game to her! Did he think she was merely playing with him when she demanded his hand in marriage! Did he even realize that she loved him so much!

How many times? How many times was she going to lay her heart out for him, only for him to fucking step on it! Was he even aware of the damage he was doing to her? Did he know that she screamed like this more often than she should, that she sobbed herself to sleep every night, that she never stopped thinking about it?

It wasn't fair. She was just going to try again. He would soon learn that, _no, _Vanya, she was _not_ playing around. She meant every word. Every last fucking word.

_I tried to __**scream **__to you through a megaphone, but it was __**broken**__!_

_No matter how hard I try, you __**don't even see me**__,_

_You just __**won't **__seem to notice me— __**aa**_

She was always screaming, her throat was raw, and this was why her voice was always so pained, so abused-sounding. Did anyone know about her screaming? Did _he_ know?

She laughed; of course he didn't know! He didn't know anything! He always brushed her off, smiling that smile of his, either ignoring her or begging her to leave. Would he do that if he knew how much it hurt? Would he do that if he knew that she wasn't playing? That she was dead serious? That she just wanted him?

_And suddenly above – the clearing sky… _

_**I don't feel any better.**_

The sun peaked out through the clouds, as if trying to offer her hope, but she merely laughed again, her voice harsh as it burst out. That sun that was so rare, it wasn't hope, it was mockery! It was laughing at her!

She could feel rage building up again, frustrated hopelessness, all of it boiling in her heart.

She knew she could not be the warm sun he wanted, but god-fucking-dammit, she would be with him! She would do everything she could to keep him warm like he wanted!

She snarled at the pale, Winter sun, which had started to retreat behind the clouds again. Good. It wasn't like she didn't know she could be the warmth he craved, _but fuck damn it she would fucking try!_

_I __**can't **__get a __**hold **__of this __**love **__at all,_

_**What **__can I-? __**How **__can I-?_

Her tears seemed to freeze the instant they were shed. Her hands continued to grip the railing, and despite the fact that she wore gloves, she knew that they were probably getting frost bite and were probably whiter than the snow around her. She coughed out a whimper.

She wished she could control everything, her emotions, her brother, her tears. She wished she could do something about it. She wanted to do something about it so fucking bad she wanted him to love her or she wanted herself to hate him. Either would do, but neither would happen.

She whimpered, her voice breaking.

…_no I'm __**not crying**__… you can't say that I'm crying…_

_**I love you!**_

She was alternating between screams and sobs again, though the sobs were outnumbering the screams by far, and she finally released the railing from her grasp (it had started to dent, folding inwards as she held it so tightly…) and fell to her knees, her forehead against the cold metal.

She cried it out again and again, "I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! _**I love you!"**_

She couldn't take this any longer! She _would_ get him to see that she _did _love him, and that she would _not_ be happy until he acknowledged her, until he _married_ her, because it was all she would ever need!

_I'm __**fighting **__now! I'll __**shoot **__you through the __**heart**__!_

_I no longer have __**any **__choice in actions that I do!_

_My __**skirt **__flapping in the wind – Look upon it like a __**flag**__!_

_I'll __**force **__you to finally set your __**gaze upon me**__—__**AA**_

She made her decision.

Again, she was before him, her knife in hand, the door practically splintered at its edges, and he was cowering. Again, she made her demands. You can't get any clearer than that, can you? She'd been this clear for so many years. _How does he not get it yet!_

"Vanya, my Big Brother, my love, we should become one. We should be married, _married_, _**married**_!"

Again, he didn't seem to get it, didn't seem to understand.

_**Why? **_Why doesn't he get it! Why wouldn't he just say yes!

_Get ready to __**intercept**__!_

_This love's a __**losing **__battle I continue to __**fight**__!_

_Love is __**deaf**__, love is __**blind**__!_

Again, she was at that place. Screaming. Sobbing. Breaking all over again.

(why am I still doing this oh go it hurts why why why don't you love me that is all I ever wanted please just love me because I love you you are all I want all I need I love you I love you)

She was curled up against the railing again, clinging to it, sobbing, screaming, hurting, _loving._

Was it never going to end? God, she just wanted him to love her! So why couldn't he just love her back? Why? Why? Why? _Why?_

And even when she was curled up, sniffling quietly, she had the glint of determination in her hurt eyes.

As long as she loved him, she would continue to try to get him to love her back. Nothing would stop her from this goal. She couldn't stop her emotion or her pursuit, she knew nothing else.

She loved him so much, and as long as she loved him, she would not give up. She would not give up on the dream where she wore beautiful white (that _wasn't_ because of snow) and he was on her arm, and his smile was authentic, and he loved her like how she loved him, and they were happy.

_**The only way I'll wake up from my dreaming is your kiss!**_

* * *

**A/N: okay, guys. I'm sorry but I /had/ to do it. This is like. My /number one/ favorite vocaloid song. I'm not even kidding [I have a playlist with over sixty different mixes, singers, et cetera. I discovered it over a year ago and have yet to get sick of it. Yes. I /am/ obsessed. :'D], and I think it fits Belarus so well, so I had to write this.**

**As for the lyrics, I contemplated using Emnily's Russian lyrics [which, if you haven't heard her version yet, you are seriously deprived and should look it up. It's fucking gorgeous and you wont regret it.] but I figured that would kind of make it difficult to, well, y'know, /understand/ it. So I shamelessly used my own English lyrics for it. I hope you guys don't mind? ;_;**

**Plotwise, I could have gone a different way [psycho!Belarus ftw!] but I wanted more angst and this is just how it happened to write itself, so. :'D**

**I hope you guys enjoyed this~3**

**~Avio Favalon**


End file.
